Trust. Easier to lose than it is to gain. An emotion that cannot exist without the actions of another, but must work simultaneously with an individual's willingness to positively interpret those actions. Trust isn't dependent upon love, but love can't exist without its' foundation. It's used to separate the real from the bullshit, the sincere from the selfish. Most people, you know you can't trust. A few people, you feel you can. Some people gain your trust, but inevitably, their true nature seeps through the cracks that only time and close observation provide.  I can see you seething through your teeth, clenched as you smile deceivingly in my face. You're in the tips of your fingers, poised to rub my back seductively...under the guise of friendship.  Who you are glides on the waves of your laughter, crashing continuously against the shores of my insecurities. It reverberates through the night, and as I drown, I can feel you watching...The worst kind of mistrust is that which you feel towards yourself. Being unable to trust yourself is being asthmatic...the air that you so desperately need escapes you in quick spurts.  I can feel it coming; sweating, feeling helpless, I struggle to speak, make decisions, fall in love. My relief can't come from an inhaler or medication. I have to learn to forgive my past actions, embrace the me that shoots at erratic speeds from my soul. I have to be able to save myself from drowning when others condemn me to silent death.  A death that will be mourned by the angels who live with me, who live without me and those who I refused to let know me.  A comforting thought, but irrelevant now that I'm fighting a tide that won't let me move.  I'm too tired to continue this constant battle and would rather surrender to the ebb and flow of my own sea. I want to relax my muscles, lift my head to the sky and fade into a darkness that's  beautiful and sirene...one that I can trust.